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伯爵的胡子

伯爵的胡子&意大利童话
  博卡帕利亚是建在陡峭山坡上的一个小镇,镇上人家的鸡只要一下蛋就会滚落到山下的树林里。为了防止鸡蛋滚落丢失,居民们在每只母鸡的尾巴上挂了一个小袋子。
  这说明博卡帕利亚人并非像别人挖苦的那样软弱无能,附近曾经流传着这样一句话:
  谁都知道在博卡帕利亚,
  驴子吹口哨,主人嚎叫。
  这纯粹是附近村镇的人对他们的污蔑,这些人这样对待博卡帕利亚人就是因为他们生性平静,不愿意和任何人争吵。
  “让你们诬蔑吧,挖苦吧,”博卡帕利亚人都这样说,“等马西诺回来,看我们当中谁还会嚎叫。”
  马西诺是博卡帕利亚人中最聪明的人,深受全镇的人爱戴。他并不比别人粗壮,甚至比一般人还瘦弱很多,但他天生聪明。他刚出世时,看上去瘦弱娇小,妈妈为了让他能活下来,而且还能长得强壮一点,就用热葡萄酒给他洗澡。爸爸还把烧红的铁放到酒里给酒加热。这样马西诺既通过浸泡皮肤而获得了酒的柔力,又吸收了铁的刚强。洗完澡后,妈妈又把她放在铺满生栗子壳的摇篮里,让他的身体变凉爽,使他在刺痛中变得更加睿智。
  长大后,马西诺出发去服兵役,以后再也没有回到自己的村镇。现在好像到了非洲的某个地方。这期间博卡帕利亚开始出了一系列的怪事。每天晚上人们都会发现,他们的牛从平原上的草地放牧回来时,总要被女巫米奇利娜抢走好几头。
  女巫米奇利娜总是藏在村子下方的树林中,伺机而出,她只须吹一口气就可以把一头牛劫走。天黑后,每当村民们听到林中灌木丛的沙沙响动,就会吓的牙齿打架,甚至昏倒在地,所以大家都说:
  女巫米奇利娜,
  从牛栏把牛偷走,
  只要用眼斜一下,
  你就吓得倒下。
  村民们只好在夜里点起一堆堆大篝火,使女巫米奇利娜不敢从树丛中现身。但当只有一个人在篝火边上看守牲畜时,女巫就会悄悄地靠上去,用气把这个人吹昏,等到早上他醒过来的时候,奶牛、耕牛早已不见了,于是大家便听到他痛哭、绝望,击自己的头。然后,所有的人都会一齐到树林中寻找牲畜,结果,除了一绺头发、女人的的发钗和女巫米奇利娜四处留下的足印,什么也找不到。
  就这样过去了好几个月,奶牛被一直关在牛圈里变得越来越瘦。刷毛的时候已经不需要刷子了,用耙子在牛肋骨上耙几下就行了。没有人再敢将牲畜带到草地上去了,也没有人敢再进树林里,林子里边的蘑菇因为长久无人采摘,长得像雨伞一般大。
  女巫米奇利娜从不去别的村镇抢牛,因为她知道再没有哪个村的村民像博卡帕利亚人这样与世无争、平静忍耐了。每天晚上,这些贫苦的村民就在场院中间点上一堆篝火,女人和孩子留在家中,男人则围着篝火挠头抱怨着。怨了今天,怨明天,最后,他们决定得去找这里的伯爵帮忙。
  伯爵住在村镇山顶上的一座圆形庄园里,四周围着围墙,墙上还插满了玻璃片。一个星期天的早上,村民们聚在一块,帽子拿在手上,前来敲响了伯爵家的门。门打开后,村民们来到伯爵圆形房屋前的庭院,只见屋子的窗户都用铁栅栏封着,庭院四周坐着伯爵的卫兵,他们的胡子上都涂着油,好让胡子看上去光彩油亮。这些人一个个对村民们怒目而视。庭院的最里端,伯爵坐在丝绒面的椅子上,黑胡子很长很长,四个卫兵正用四把梳子在给他从上往下地梳理它。
  年纪最长的村民定了定神,说:“伯爵老爷,我们斗胆来您这里,是为了向您禀告我们的不幸遭遇,森林中有一个女巫米奇利娜,把我们的牲畜都抢了去。”随后,老人叹着气,诉着苦,在别的村民的点头证实下,向伯爵讲述了他们这段时间的可怕经历。
  伯爵一声不吭。
  老人又说:“我们来这里想冒昧向老爷您求讨一个解决办法。”
  伯爵还是一声不吭。
  老人又补充说:“我们来这里想斗胆请老爷您行行好帮我们一把,要是您肯派出一队卫士,我们就可以回到草场上放牲畜了。”
  伯爵把脑袋在脖子上转了一圈,说:“要是派卫兵,我就还得派一个队长……”
  村民们都竖着耳朵听着,似乎感受到一线希望。
  “但要是我派队长去,”伯爵说,“那么,晚上,我还跟谁玩掷彩游戏呢?”
  村民们跪在地上说:“帮帮我们吧,伯爵老爷,可怜可怜我们吧!”周围的卫士们开始厌烦地打着哈欠,给胡子涂着黑油。
  伯爵又转了一下头,说:
  “我是伯爵,我说话能顶三个人说话,
  既然我没见过女巫,
  说明根本就没有女巫。”
  听到伯爵的话,那些正打着哈欠的卫士立即端起步枪,用刺刀慢慢地逼着村民们退出了庭院。
  村民们垂头丧气地回到场院,不知下一步该怎么办,那个跟伯爵说过话的年纪最长的老人说:“现在我们得派人去把马西诺请回来!”
  说完,他们便立即给马西诺写了封信,然后将信寄到非洲。一天晚上,当村民们像往常一样聚集在场院的篝火旁边时,马西诺回来了。人们激动的情景就别提了,大家冲上去拥抱他,煮上加香料的热葡萄酒。有人问:“你去了什么地方?”有人说:“你见到了些什么东西?”还有人说:“你知道我们有多惨吗?”
  马西诺先让大家说了个够,然后他开始叙述起来:“在非洲我遇到过不吃人只吃蝉的野蛮人;在沙漠我碰到过一个为了挖地下水而留了十二米长的指甲的疯子;在海上我见过一条鱼穿着一只皮鞋和一只拖鞋,它想成为众鱼之王,因为别的鱼既没有穿皮鞋的,也没有穿拖鞋的;在西西里,我认识一位妇女生了七十个儿子,但全家只有一口锅;在那不勒斯,我看见人们停住脚也能往前走,因为别人的闲言碎语太厉害了,变成了一股很大的推力;我还看见过圣人,看见过罪犯,看见过一百公斤重的胖子,也看见过骨瘦如柴的矮子,我见过很多胆小的人,但从没见过像博卡帕利亚人这么胆小的人。”
  村民们都羞愧地低下了头,马西诺说他们胆小,实在是一针见血。但马西诺并没有责怪乡亲们的意思。他让大家把女巫的事详细地说了一遍,然后说:“我现在问你们三个问题,然后,等半夜一到,我就去抓住这个女巫,把她带到这里来。”
  “问吧,问吧!”大家齐说。
  “第一个问题要先问理发师。这个月有多少人到你那里理发?”
  理发师回答:
  “有长胡子的,有短胡子的,
  有胡子软软的,有胡子弯曲的,
  有鬈发的,有蓬发的,
  我的剪刀给他们都剪过。”
  “现在我问你,鞋匠,这个月有多少人到你那里修鞋呢?”
  “唉,”鞋匠说:
  “我修过木拖鞋,修过皮拖鞋,
  钉了一堆鞋钉,上了一堆掌铁;
  我修过布鞋,修过蛇皮鞋,
  但现在人们都没了钱,无人再来了。”
  “第三个问题要问你了,制绳匠,这个月你卖出去多少根绳子?”
  制绳匠说:
  “柳绳,线绳,
  搓的和编的草绳,
  细细的柳条井绳,
  粗如胳膊,细如针,
  硬的如铁,软的如猪油,
  这个月我卖了很多根。”
  “好了,都明白了。”马西诺说,在篝火旁躺下,“我现在先睡上两个小时,我实在太累了。到半夜,你们把我叫醒,我去抓那个女巫。”说完,他用帽子遮住脸,睡着了。
  村民们静静地守候在一边,连大气都不敢出,怕吵醒他。到半夜,马西诺自己醒了过来,他打了个哈欠,喝下一小杯热酒,又朝篝火吐了三口唾沫,然后,旁若无人地站起来直奔树林。
  村民们都留在原地等他,只见篝火烧成了火炭,火炭又烧成了柴灰,柴灰也变黑了,这时,马西诺回来了。身后还带着一个人,好像被拉着胡子,是谁呀?是伯爵,伯爵一边哭着,挣扎着,一边求饶。
  “这就是女巫!”马西诺喊道。随后又问:“热酒放在哪里了”?
  伯爵在众人的怒目逼视下,蜷缩在地上,好像一只冻坏的苍蝇。
  马西诺解释说:“不可能是你们当中的人干的,因为你们都理过发,剪过胡须,不可能在树丛中留下须毛;树林里有又大又重的鞋印,而你们都是赤脚进树林的。也不可能是什么精灵干的,因为精灵没必要去买那么多绳子绑了牲畜,再拉走。哎,我要的热酒呢?”
  伯爵浑身哆嗦着,竭力要躲到他的胡子里面,马西诺把他从树丛后拉出来的时候,他的胡子被拉得乱七八糟。
  “那他用什么方法看我们一眼,就会让我们昏倒呢?”一位村民问。
  “他用包了布的木棍子在你们的头上猛击一棍,这样你们觉得像吹气一样,头上无痕迹,醒来时头昏脑沉。”
  “那他丢在森林中的那些头钗呢?”另一个人问。
  “这些头钗是他用来把胡子扎到头上的,就像女人扎头发那样。”
  村民们都安静地听着,当马西诺说“现在,大家想怎么处置他?”时,人群中爆发出一阵激动的喊声:“烧死他!剥他的皮!把他绑在杆子上当稻草人!把他关在桶里让他不停地转!把他跟六只猫,六只狗一起捆进一个袋子里!”
  “饶命!”伯爵用颤抖的声音哀求着。
  “我看这样吧,”马西诺说,“让他把牲畜都还给大家,再让他把所有的牛棚打扫干净。既然他喜欢夜里到森林中去,就罚他每天晚上都去给你们捡柴火。告诉孩子们以后看到地上有发钗的话再也不要捡了,它们都是女巫米奇利娜的,她再也不能梳理好头发和胡子了。”
  村民们就照马西诺说的做了。随后,马西诺又动身游历世界去了,一路上,他加入了一次又一次的战争,每一次战争都持续了很长时间,有诗为证:
  啊,战争中的士兵,
  你吃的差,睡在地上,
  将火药装进炮膛,
  嘣!嘣!
  TheCountsBeard
  ThetownofPocapagliawasperchedonthepinnacleofahillsosteepthatitsinhabitantstiedlittlebagsonthetailfeathersoftheirhenstocatcheachfreshlylaideggthatotherwisewouldhavegonerollingdowntheslopesintothewoodsbelow.
  AllofwhichgoestoshowthatthepeopleofPocapagliawerenottheduncestheyweresaidtobe,andthattheproverb,
  InPocapagliaways
  Thedonkeywhistles,themasterbrays,
  merelyreflectedthemaliciousgrudgetheneighboringtownspeopleborethePocapagliansfortheirpeacefulwaysandtheirreluctancetoquarrelwithanyone.
  "Yes,yes,"wasallthePocapaglianswouldreply,"butjustwaituntilMasinoreturns,andyouwillseewhobraysmore,weoryou."
  EverybodyinPocapaglialovedMasino,thesmartestboyintown.Hewasnostrongerphysicallythananybodyelse;infact,heevenlookedratherpuny.Buthehadalwaysbeenveryclever.Concernedoverhowlittlehewasatbirth,hismotherhadbathedhiminwarmwinetokeephimaliveandmakehimalittlestronger.Hisfatherhadheatedthewinewithared-hothorseshoe.ThatwayMasinoabsorbedthesubtletyofwineandtheenduranceofiron.Tocoolhimoffafterhisbath,hismothercradledhimintheshellofanunripenedchestnut;itwasbitterandgavehimunderstanding.
  AtthetimethePocapaglianswereawaitingthereturnofMasino,whomnoonehadseensincethedayhewentofftobeasoldier(andwhowasnowmostlikelysomewhereinAfrica),strangethingsstartedhappeninginPocapaglia.Everyeveningasthecattlecamebackfrompastureintheplainbelow,ananimalwaswhiskedawaybyMicillinatheWitch.
  Thewitchwouldhideinthewoodsatthefootofthehill,andallsheneededtodowasgiveoneheavypuff,andshehadherselfanox.Whenthefarmersheardherstealthroughthethicketafterdark,theirteethwouldchatter,andeveryonewouldfalldowninaswoon.Thatbecamesocommonthatpeopletooktosaying:
  BewareofMicillina,thatoldwitch,
  Forallyouroxenshewillfilch,
  Thentrainonyouhercrossed-eye,
  Andwaitforyoutofallanddie.
  AtnighttheybeganlightinghugebonfirestokeepMicillinatheWitchfromventuringoutofthewoods.Butshewouldsneakuponthesolitaryfarmerwatchingovercattlebesidethebonfireandknockhimoutinonebreath.Inthemorninguponawaking,hedfindcowsandoxengone,andhisfriendswouldhearhimweepingandmoaningandhittinghimselfonthehead.Theneverybodycombedthewoodsfortracesofthestolencattle,butfoundonlytuftsofhair,hairpins,andfootprintslefthereandtherebyMicillinatheWitch.
  Thingswentfrombadtoworse.Shutupallthetimeinthebarn,thecowsgrewasthinasrails.Arakeinsteadofabrushwasallthatwasneededtogroomthem,fromribtorib.Nobodydaredleadthecattletopastureanymore.Everyonestayedclearofthewoodsnow,andthemushroomsthatgrewtherewentunpickedandgotasbigasumbrellas.
  MicillinatheWitchwasnottemptedtoplunderothertowns,knowingfullwellthatcalmandpeace-lovingpeopleweretobefoundonlyinPocapaglia.Therethepoorfarmerslitabigbonfireeverynightinthetownsquare,whilethewomenandchildrenlockedthemselvesindoors.Themensataroundthefirescratchingtheirheadsandgroaning.Dayafterdaytheyscratchedandgroaneduntiladecisionwasfinallyreachedtogotothecountforhelp.
  Thecountlivedhighabovethetownonalargecircularestatesurroundedbyamassivewall.Thetopofthewallwasencrustedwithsharpbitsofglass.OneSundaymorningallthetownsmenarrived,withhatsinhand.Theyknocked,thedoorswungopen,andtheyfiledintothecourtyardbeforethecourtsrounddwelling,whichhadbarsatallthewindows.Aroundthecourtyardsatthecourtssoldierssmoothingtheirmustacheswithoiltomakethemshineandscowlingatthefarmers.Attheendofthecourtyard,inavelvetchair,satthecounthimselfwithhislongblackbeard,whichfoursoldierswerecombingfromheadtofoot.
  Theoldestfarmertookheartandsaid,"YourHonor,wehavedaredcometoyouaboutourmisfortune.Asourcattlegointothewoods,MicillinatheWitchappearsandmakesoffwiththem."So,amidsighsandgroans,withtheotherfarmersnoddinginassent,hetoldthecountallabouttheirnightmare.
  Thecountremainedsilent.
  "Wehavecomehere,"saidtheoldman,"tobesoboldastoaskYourHonorsadvice."
  Thecountremainedsilent.
  "Wehavecomehere,"headded,"tobesoboldastoaskYourHonortohelpus.Ifyouassignedusanescortofsoldiers,wecouldagaintakeourcattledowntopasture."
  Thecountshookhishead."IfIletyouhavethesoldiers,"hesaid,"Imustalsoletyouhavethecaptain"
  Thefarmerslistened,hardlydaringtohope.
  "Butifthecaptainisawayintheevening,"saidthecount,"whocanIplaylottowith?"
  Thefarmersfelltotheirknees."Helpus,noblecount,forpityssake!"Thesoldiersaroundthecourtyardyawnedandstrokedtheirmustaches.
  Againthecountshookhisheadandsaid:
  IamthecountandIcountforthree;
  NowitchhaveIseen,
  So,nowitchhastherebeen.
  Atthosewordsandstillyawning,thesoldierspickeduptheirgunsand,withbayonetsextended,movedslowlytowardthefarmers,whoturnedandfiledsilentlyoutofthecourtyard.
  Backinthetownsquareandcompletelydiscouraged,thefarmershadnoideawhattodonext.Buttheseniorofthemall,theonewhohadspokentothecount,said,"TheresnothinglefttodobutsendforMasino!"
  SotheywroteMasinoaletterandsentittoAfrica.Thenoneevening,whiletheywereallgatheredaroundthebonfireasusual,Masinoreturned.Imaginethewelcometheygavehim,theembraces,thepotsofhot,spicedwine!"Whereonearthhaveyoubeen?Whatdidyousee?Ifyouonlyknewwhatwehavebeengoingthrough!"
  Masinoletthemhavetheirsay,thenhehadhis."InAfricaIsawcannibalswhoatenotmenbutlocusts;inthedesertIsawamadmanwhohadlethisfingernailsgrowtwelvemeterslongtodigforwater;intheseaIsawafishwithashoeandaslipperwhowantedtobekingoftheotherfish,sincenootherfishpossessedshoeorslipper;inSicilyIsawawomanwithseventysonsandonlyonekettle;inNaplesIsawpeoplewhowalkedwhilestandingstill,sincethechatterofotherpeoplekeptthemgoing;IsawsinnersandIsawsaints;Isawfatpeopleandpeoplenobiggerthanmites;many,manyfrightenedsoulsdidIsee,butneversomanyashereinPocapaglia."
  Thefarmershungtheirheadsinshame,forMasinohadhitasensitivespotinsuggestingtheywerecowards.ButMasinowasnotcrosswithhisfellowtownsmen.Heaskedforadetailedaccountofthewitchsdoings,thensaid,"Letmeaskyouthreequestions,andatthestrokeofmidnightIllgooutandcatchthewitchandbringherbacktoyou."
  "Letshearyourquestions!Outwiththem!"theyallsaid.
  "Thefirstquestionisforthebarber.Howmanypeoplecametoyouthismonth?"
  Thebarberreplied:
  "Longbeards,shortbeards,
  Finebeards,coarsebeards,
  Locksstraight,lockscurly,
  AllItrimmèd(sic)inahurry."
  "Yourturnnow,cobbler.Howmanypeoplebroughtyoutheiroldshoestomendthismonth?"
  "Alas!"beganthecobbler:
  "Shoesofwood,shoesofleather,
  NailbynailIhammeredbacktogether,
  Mendedshoesofsatinandshoesofserpent.
  Buttheresnothinglefttodo,
  Alltheirmoneyisspent."
  "Thethirdquestiongoestoyou,ropemaker.Howmuchropedidyousellthismonth?"
  Theropemakerreplied:
  "RopegaloreofeverysortIsold:
  Hemprope,braided,wicker,cord,
  Needle-thintoarm-thick,
  Lard-softtoiron-strong
  ThismonthIcouldntgowrong."
  "Verywell,"saidMasino,stretchingoutbythefire."Imnowgoingtosleepforafewhours,Imverytired.WakemeupatmidnightandIllgoafterthewitch."Heputhishatoverhisfaceandfellasleep.
  Thefarmerskeptperfectlyquietuntilmidnight,notevendaringtobreathe,forfearofawakinghim.AtmidnightMasinoshookhimself,yawned,drankacupofmulledwine,spatthreetimesintothefire,gotupwithoutlookingatasoul,andheadedforthewoods.
  Thefarmersstayedbehindwatchingthefireburndownandthelastembersturntoashes.Then,whomshouldMasinodraginbythebeardbutthecount!Acountthatwept,kicked,andpleadedformercy.
  "Heresthewitch!"criedMasino,andasked,"Wheredidyouputthemulledwine?"
  Beneaththefarmersamazedstares,thecounttriedtomakehimselfassmallaspossible,sittingonthegroundandshrinkinguplikeacold-bittenfly.
  "Thethiefcouldhavebeennoneofyou,"explainedMasino,"sinceyouhadallgonetothebarberandhadnohairtoloseinthebushes.Thentherewerethosetracksmadebybigheavyshoes,butallofyougobarefoot.Norcouldthethiefhavebeenaghost,sincehewouldnthaveneededtobuyallthatcordtotieuptheanimalsandcarrythemaway.Butwhereismymulledwine?"
  Shakingallover,thecounttriedtohideinthatbeardofhiswhichMasinohadtousledandtorninpullinghimoutofthebushes.
  "Howdidheevermakeusfaintbyjustlookingatus?"askedonefarmer.
  "Hewouldsmiteyouontheheadwithapaddedclub.Thatwayyouwouldhearonlyawhir.Hedleavenomarkonyou,youdsimplywakeupwithaheadache."
  "Andthosehairpinshelost?"askedanother.
  "Theywereusedtoholdhisbearduponhisheadandmakeitlooklikeawomanshair."
  Untilthenthefarmershadlistenedinsilence,butwhenMasinosaid,"Andnow,whatshallwedowithhim?"astormofshoutsarose:"Burnhim!Skinhimalive!Stringhimupforascarecrow!Sealhiminacaskandrollhimdownthecliff!Sewhimupinasackwithsixcatsandsixdogs!"
  "Havemercy!"saidthecountinavoicejustaboveawhisper.
  "Sparehim,"saidMasino,"andhewillbringbackyourcattleandcleanyourbarns.Andsinceheenjoyedgoingintothewoodsatnight,makehimgothereeverynightandgatherbundlesoffirewoodforeachofyou.Tellthechildrennevertopickupthehairpinstheyfindontheground,fortheybelongtoMicillinatheWitch,whosehairandbeardwillbedisheveledfromnowon."
  Thefarmersfollowedthesuggestion,andsoonMasinoleftPocapagliatotravelabouttheworld.Inthecourseofhistravels,hefoundhimselffightinginfirstonewarandanother,andtheyalllastedsolongthathissayingsprangup:
  Soldierfighter,whatahardlot!
  Wretchedfood,thegroundforacot.
  Youfeedthecannonpowder:
  Boom-BOOM!Boom-BOOM!Boomlouder!
  (Bra)
  NOTES:
  "TheCountsBeard"(LabarbadelConte).Publishedhereforthefirsttime,collectedbyGiovanniArpinoinJuly1956,incertainvillagesofsouthernPiedmont:Bra(toldbyCaterinaAsteggiano,inmateofahomeforoldpeople,andLuigiBerzia),inGuarene(toldbyDoroPalladino,farmer),inNarzole(toldbyAnnettaTaricco,servantwoman),andinPocapaglia.
  Thislongnarrative,whichwriterGiovanniArpinohastranscribedandunifiedfromdifferentversionswithvariantsandadditionsfromBraandsurroundings,cannotinmyviewbeclassifiedasafolktale.Itisalocallegendofrecentorigininpart(Iamthinking,forinstance,ofthegeographicalparticularsgiven),thatis,notpriortothenineteenthcentury,andcontainingdisparateelements:explanationofalocalsuperstition(thehairpinsofWitchMicillina),antifeudalcountrylegendsuchasonefindsinmanynortherncountries,curiousdetective-storystructureàlaSherlockHolmes,manydigressionsnonessentialtothestory(suchasthetripfromAfricabacktotown——whichArpinotellsmealsoexistsasaseparatestory——andalltheallusionstoMasinospastandfutureadventureswhichleadtotheconclusionglobetrotterfromacountrywhoseinhabitantsarereputedtobecontrastinglyslowandbackward),verse(ofwhichArpinoandIhavepresentedonlyasmuchaswecouldeffectivetranslate),andgrotesqueimageswhichseemrootedintradition,suchasthesacksunderthehenstails,theoxensothinthattheywerecurriedwiththerake,thecountwhosebeardwascombedbyfoursoldiers,etc
  Copyright:ItalianFolktalesSelectedandRetoldbyItaloCalvino,
  translatedbyGeorgeMartin,
  PantheonBooks,NewYork1980

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